Monday, October 27, 2003
I've hit an impasse in regards to my photo project. I started feeling really disconnected to it. I was doing a lot of stuff in black and white, but I started working in colour today.
either way, for some reason I don't hasp the same motivation to do it that I used to. I am actually more drawn to the colour aspect, but I have this craving to do a sort of abstract self portrait idea I was working on.
its interesting. I used to be very drawn to the idea of black and white and I thought it was more honest, but I know think that honesty like so many things can be in the eye of the beholder. I think that black and white in many ways, romanticizes an image which would explain my initial attraction to it. I am a romantic at heart. I romanticize thing often in life (sometimes in cases when I shouldn't) but I think there is something lacking by romantricizing things. I think that it can be really beautiful but I think for my project, there is something that gets lost. Maybe I'm just having a weird day, or maybe this is part of my endless search to give everything meaning. I'm not sure.
either way, for some reason I don't hasp the same motivation to do it that I used to. I am actually more drawn to the colour aspect, but I have this craving to do a sort of abstract self portrait idea I was working on.
its interesting. I used to be very drawn to the idea of black and white and I thought it was more honest, but I know think that honesty like so many things can be in the eye of the beholder. I think that black and white in many ways, romanticizes an image which would explain my initial attraction to it. I am a romantic at heart. I romanticize thing often in life (sometimes in cases when I shouldn't) but I think there is something lacking by romantricizing things. I think that it can be really beautiful but I think for my project, there is something that gets lost. Maybe I'm just having a weird day, or maybe this is part of my endless search to give everything meaning. I'm not sure.
Thursday, October 23, 2003
I just watched aremican beauty.
i just re-watched american beauty.
i have seen it more times than i can count.
this is the first time i have seen it since i came out.
The first time I saw it I was 19 and i was in my first year of University. I saw it in the theatre. I saw it with my girlfriend.
She was the only girlfriend i had after really knowing that i was gay. I had had other girlfriends, but i never knew what i wanted. But when I went out with her, I knew. I had been attracted to ehr since 10th grade, since I was 15, so i thought i should see where it lead. Anyway, i wathced the movie tonight and i remembered. I remembered watching it in the theatre, and just knowing that much more what i wanted to do, what i thought maybe i had to do with my sexuality. The look on Ricky's mothers face, sitting at the diningroom table or everywhere she is, it jsut hits you, ya know? and it hit me. and i remember leaving with her and i was holding her hand and i just kept thinking about it. i mean this movie had profound affects on me in many ways, but this is the one that i remember right now.
I always used to think that i would get married. I would have kids, and a house and a dog adn a wedding. the list goes on. But i alwasy pictured this woman in a white dress being so happy and me knowing that the happiness is based on this big facade. and i could always see a face. the face of some woman whose little hapinesses would be shattered. and i knew i didnt want to be responsible for that. and i didnt want to do it to myself either. i just hadnt really thought about that in a while.
but it made me realize, that no matter what anyone else thinks about my life or my decisions, i wont be responsible for that face. and that means a lot.
i just re-watched american beauty.
i have seen it more times than i can count.
this is the first time i have seen it since i came out.
The first time I saw it I was 19 and i was in my first year of University. I saw it in the theatre. I saw it with my girlfriend.
She was the only girlfriend i had after really knowing that i was gay. I had had other girlfriends, but i never knew what i wanted. But when I went out with her, I knew. I had been attracted to ehr since 10th grade, since I was 15, so i thought i should see where it lead. Anyway, i wathced the movie tonight and i remembered. I remembered watching it in the theatre, and just knowing that much more what i wanted to do, what i thought maybe i had to do with my sexuality. The look on Ricky's mothers face, sitting at the diningroom table or everywhere she is, it jsut hits you, ya know? and it hit me. and i remember leaving with her and i was holding her hand and i just kept thinking about it. i mean this movie had profound affects on me in many ways, but this is the one that i remember right now.
I always used to think that i would get married. I would have kids, and a house and a dog adn a wedding. the list goes on. But i alwasy pictured this woman in a white dress being so happy and me knowing that the happiness is based on this big facade. and i could always see a face. the face of some woman whose little hapinesses would be shattered. and i knew i didnt want to be responsible for that. and i didnt want to do it to myself either. i just hadnt really thought about that in a while.
but it made me realize, that no matter what anyone else thinks about my life or my decisions, i wont be responsible for that face. and that means a lot.
Monday, October 20, 2003
okay so my friend put up a photo album from montreal and i stole a few of his pics to show. the first one is of some girls we met there going downt he escalaotr in the metro. the second is my friend in the metro station. the third is my friends beer trophy case adn the 4th is this building in monteral on campus that i alwasy wanted to go to the top of but never got around to doing.
i did a series on strangers when i was there taht are a ll turning out really well that i will post if i can scan onto my computer, but that wont likely happen for a while adn plus i havent developed them all yet. as much as i try to reject technology, digital cameras are more condusive to sharing.
zach
i did a series on strangers when i was there taht are a ll turning out really well that i will post if i can scan onto my computer, but that wont likely happen for a while adn plus i havent developed them all yet. as much as i try to reject technology, digital cameras are more condusive to sharing.
zach
Sunday, October 19, 2003
okay, so what i said this morning was not comlpletely true. the part about me having no expectations, i mean. its not that i have expectations but i have wonderings. or hypotheticals. and plus this whole dating thing os sprt of nuts. i spent 20 minutes deciding if i should call him today or tomorrow. 20 minutes. and then when i finally did call him there was no answer so i lfet a message and then i contemplated my decision to have left a message for another 15. and i'm trying to act all cool about it like its no big deal, but its not workin. i mean i'm excited and nervous and everything else all it the same time. this dating thing, and relationships and eventually at some point...dare i say it, love, might be the end of me. if it keeps goin this way i could be in real trouble, but the good kind ;)
Dating rocks!
okay so i havent actually gone on a date yet, but the potential datign factor is great! the potential is great. the idea that you just get to a point where sharing your life feels good and comfortable and sort of rewarding.
okay so now for the context.
i met a boy on friday. and for the record I am the unslickest guy in the world. seriously. if there was a picking peopel up contest i would be the guy left single at the end. so this guy works at the bar. he is the guy who picks up the glasses and bottles and stuff (which i was told is called a Porter, which I alwasy thought would be the greatest name. think about it. HI I'm porter. how good a name would that be) and i told this other guy i was talking to that i am friends with that i thought he was cute. the guy i was talking to got up for a minute and when he came back he had the POrter with him (for the record the POrter's name is Nathan). So that was a super akward way to start a conversation so i was already feelin like an idio. plus i was mostly drunk, adn the part that wasnt was nervous as hell. but it was cool taht the guy i was talking to had brought nathan over (depsite how geeky it looked) becasue he alwasy hits on me and really thinks i'm the one for him so it was cool of him to bring a different guy over. anbway so i said something dumb like hey hows it goin to nathan and then before saying anything else i just bluretd out do you wanna go eat or drink something sometime. holame is that? but he said yeah so he went and got paper adn a pen adn then we sat adn talked for a bit, but he had to go back to work. then i had to go home so i sepont about 5 minutes deciding if going to talk to him to say good bye was freaky and coming on tostrong or not. so in the end i decided to go talk to him. and when i did i actually told him that i wasnt sure if i should come say bye or not. i always do stuff like that. i do something dumb and then hope they dont fiund out or whatever and then i just tell them. but luckily he was like yeah i as just gonna come by that way. so thats cool. and then i told him that i hadnt really picked up a guy before (seriosuly, who does that) but he said he thought it was cute. anyway, to top it all off i went to shake his hand ebcasue i was nervous or something. a handshake. thats what i decided to end on. a handshake! i dont even like handshakes! but then he pulled me in and kissed me on the cheeck so then i kissed him on the cheeck and then i left. all in all a good night.
so i havent called him yet ebcause he told me he worked all weekend. but i will probably do it today. and its good because while i am nervous and sort of excited, i dont really have any expectations. it will be what it will be, just as it always it.
zach
okay so i havent actually gone on a date yet, but the potential datign factor is great! the potential is great. the idea that you just get to a point where sharing your life feels good and comfortable and sort of rewarding.
okay so now for the context.
i met a boy on friday. and for the record I am the unslickest guy in the world. seriously. if there was a picking peopel up contest i would be the guy left single at the end. so this guy works at the bar. he is the guy who picks up the glasses and bottles and stuff (which i was told is called a Porter, which I alwasy thought would be the greatest name. think about it. HI I'm porter. how good a name would that be) and i told this other guy i was talking to that i am friends with that i thought he was cute. the guy i was talking to got up for a minute and when he came back he had the POrter with him (for the record the POrter's name is Nathan). So that was a super akward way to start a conversation so i was already feelin like an idio. plus i was mostly drunk, adn the part that wasnt was nervous as hell. but it was cool taht the guy i was talking to had brought nathan over (depsite how geeky it looked) becasue he alwasy hits on me and really thinks i'm the one for him so it was cool of him to bring a different guy over. anbway so i said something dumb like hey hows it goin to nathan and then before saying anything else i just bluretd out do you wanna go eat or drink something sometime. holame is that? but he said yeah so he went and got paper adn a pen adn then we sat adn talked for a bit, but he had to go back to work. then i had to go home so i sepont about 5 minutes deciding if going to talk to him to say good bye was freaky and coming on tostrong or not. so in the end i decided to go talk to him. and when i did i actually told him that i wasnt sure if i should come say bye or not. i always do stuff like that. i do something dumb and then hope they dont fiund out or whatever and then i just tell them. but luckily he was like yeah i as just gonna come by that way. so thats cool. and then i told him that i hadnt really picked up a guy before (seriosuly, who does that) but he said he thought it was cute. anyway, to top it all off i went to shake his hand ebcasue i was nervous or something. a handshake. thats what i decided to end on. a handshake! i dont even like handshakes! but then he pulled me in and kissed me on the cheeck so then i kissed him on the cheeck and then i left. all in all a good night.
so i havent called him yet ebcause he told me he worked all weekend. but i will probably do it today. and its good because while i am nervous and sort of excited, i dont really have any expectations. it will be what it will be, just as it always it.
zach
Thursday, October 16, 2003
So my friend in my photo class is doing this project about her life and mostly the people in it adn she wants to photograph me for the project. The catch is for some of them she wants to photogrpah people nude. so i'm posing nude for some photographs. crazy huh? i never really thought i would be cool with that, but i totally trust her. which is sorta weird because i havent know her for a super long time but i totally trust her so its cool. the work she does is so amazing. it reminds me a lot of this nan goldin exhibition i saw in montreal when i was there. she does some amazing work. here is a link incase anyone wants to check it out.
http://users.skynet.be/aftercrash/goldinmenu.htm
http://www.tate.org.uk/servlet/ArtistWorks?cgroupid=999999961&artistid=2649&page=1
http://www.designautopsy.com/blowup/portfolios/e-h/Goldin/index.asp?link_id=13
anyway, i think its kinda cool. i'm sort of excited which is weird becasue i usually hate beign on the otehr side of the camera. my photo teacher from the spring is also a pro photographer and she does a lot of commercial work. anyway, she got me to model for some stuff for her becasue she thought my look suited what she had to do and she asked me to do more now that i am back from montreal but i felt sorta uncomfortable being on that side of the camera and was anxious about teh idea so i said no (which sucks because the money was good) but with this its different. anyway, i will tell you how it goes.
zach
http://users.skynet.be/aftercrash/goldinmenu.htm
http://www.tate.org.uk/servlet/ArtistWorks?cgroupid=999999961&artistid=2649&page=1
http://www.designautopsy.com/blowup/portfolios/e-h/Goldin/index.asp?link_id=13
anyway, i think its kinda cool. i'm sort of excited which is weird becasue i usually hate beign on the otehr side of the camera. my photo teacher from the spring is also a pro photographer and she does a lot of commercial work. anyway, she got me to model for some stuff for her becasue she thought my look suited what she had to do and she asked me to do more now that i am back from montreal but i felt sorta uncomfortable being on that side of the camera and was anxious about teh idea so i said no (which sucks because the money was good) but with this its different. anyway, i will tell you how it goes.
zach
Sunday, October 12, 2003
so from time to time i write poetry. its just sort of a thing for me i guess. i'm not really someone who tells stuff easily (granted i'm workign on that) and poetry is a wasy of saying things but not saying them for me. anyway this is the first time i posted poetry on here so i thought i shoud preface it.
The Greater Sin
And here i have found heaven
not worth the climb
and the laying...
or is it lying
with woman as it would have been
with man, has proved the diet
that has fed some scripted hope
but left my sprirt starved
in a kingdom of plastic fruit
The Greater Sin
And here i have found heaven
not worth the climb
and the laying...
or is it lying
with woman as it would have been
with man, has proved the diet
that has fed some scripted hope
but left my sprirt starved
in a kingdom of plastic fruit
Wednesday, October 01, 2003
The Chameleon Affect
This has nothign to do with nature in the motherly green sense of the word. It does have to do with nature in the human sense, or atleast what has become human nature.
I will tell you where this stems from.
I spent three hours on shift with a girl I volunteer with the other day. She is an amazing person. We talked for hours about life and enlightenment and everything it was a really cool night. And I was amazed by who she was. And it made me think.
People, in general, are chameleons. We blend in to our surroundings. We become the people that those around us see us as, or the people that they will appreciate. And she wasnt like that. She talked about stuff and she didnt care what i may have thought. She did whatever she wanted. And it isnt in a backlash sort of way in the sense taht she isnt doing it to specifically stand out from the rest of the world. its just who she is. and it was so refreshing to talk to someone like that.
people are so fluid these days, i find. we take the shaoe of our containers. We should be solid (well not completely) and we shouldnt be things that can be forced into boxes and perameters. We should be able to be who we are, seperate from the rest of the world. We are supposed to be different. WE are all supposed to exist as individuals. I just thought it was sorta cool.
z
This has nothign to do with nature in the motherly green sense of the word. It does have to do with nature in the human sense, or atleast what has become human nature.
I will tell you where this stems from.
I spent three hours on shift with a girl I volunteer with the other day. She is an amazing person. We talked for hours about life and enlightenment and everything it was a really cool night. And I was amazed by who she was. And it made me think.
People, in general, are chameleons. We blend in to our surroundings. We become the people that those around us see us as, or the people that they will appreciate. And she wasnt like that. She talked about stuff and she didnt care what i may have thought. She did whatever she wanted. And it isnt in a backlash sort of way in the sense taht she isnt doing it to specifically stand out from the rest of the world. its just who she is. and it was so refreshing to talk to someone like that.
people are so fluid these days, i find. we take the shaoe of our containers. We should be solid (well not completely) and we shouldnt be things that can be forced into boxes and perameters. We should be able to be who we are, seperate from the rest of the world. We are supposed to be different. WE are all supposed to exist as individuals. I just thought it was sorta cool.
z
